goodnight. i can’t be on here anymore tonight, too many anon’s are just hurting me and i’m already down. but i want to thank the kind people who try and make up for the anon’s i get and for trying to cheer me up. you guys are so wonderful and i hope you’re all alright. I’m sorry I can’t be better right now. I’m going to set up a queue, and I’m going to be on here minimally for the next while just to check any messages I get and stuff. You’re all special to me, I hope you know that, and I’m sorry I can’t be there for you guys like I wish I could. I hope I’ll be back to normal sooner rather then later but I don’t know.
I’ll just keep checking my messages and filling the queue so no need to unfollow, it’ll all be normal.
And to you.., you’re in my heart and I pray you’ll be ok. lytbm. I’m trying to be strong, and be better.
Bye for now all you great people out there. If you need me just message.
to the people who have hurt me. this is my suicide note to them. if the day ever comes when i can’t take it anymore, and i die, i want this letter to exist so they know what they did.
To Paul: You destroyed me. Who I was and what I was was destroyed by you completely. You broke me, violated me, and killed me emotionally. I hope one day I can get better and move on from what you did. You caused me physical and emotional pain. You caused me to not be able to trust, and made it difficult for me to open up and love. You make me feel disgusted with myself. I feel so fragile and sensitive because of you. I hope someday you get help, but I just think of you as a monster.
To Tyler: You were my best friend, and someone who could always make me smile. Now there isn’t a day that goes by that our last conversation doesn’t go through my head. “You aren’t my friend”. “I hate you” “I never liked you”, “Go kill yourself Sean”. I had to watch you on a downward spiral of drugs and I always feel like it was my fault. I often wish I had just done what you said and ended it. I miss you and our friendship so much. It still hurts me everyday.
To Amanda and Michelle: You’ve said I ruined our family. That my birth was a curse. That I’m a fucking mistake, a medical freak of nature, and have ruined everything. Sadly, I believe what you say is true. When you abandoned Mom and Dad and I, you destroyed Mom. Now because of her anxiety and depression and Dad’s stress, I feel like I’m living in a mental hospital everyday. Our house is so sad and desolate because of what you did to our parents. You abandoned me, and hurt me so many times. You’ve ignored my birthday’s and any holidays. You don’t consider me to be family, and I guess I can’t blame you. Just know it hurt me everyday.
To all my uncles, aunts, and cousins: You don’t acknowledge my existence. You believe, like my sisters, that I ruined my family. You won’t talk to me just because you believe my parents made a mistake. Many of you I’ve never met. Just the fact that you never answer any letter I’ve written, or never made any attempt to get to know me makes me feel so alone. I have no extended family essentially. Sometimes I feel like a complete orphan. I’ve cried a lot over the relationships I’ll never have with you.
To Mom and Dad: It’s hurt so much to watch both of you deteriorate over time. You yell at me, saying I don’t do enough. You don’t trust me anymore. You’ve admitted life would be easier if I was never born. Now the truth is, I wish you never had me. It’s not something I say in the heat of the moment. I really do wish I didn’t exist. I know you have a lot of sadness and issues to deal with, but I need a parent just to hug me and tell me I’m good enough, and that everything will be ok. I’m sorry I get frustrated with you. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused.
I’m sorry I couldn’t take it anymore.
Laying on my bed, and I’ve reached a point where I just feel pain and emptiness. I’m not even crying hard, it’s almost like a numbness. I just have this awful twisting knot of hurt and anxiety and pure sadness right in the middle of my chest by my heart, so it really does hurt to breathe.
Right now I feel like the most alone I ever have, and it’s because now being home, I realize how my parents don’t need me or really truly care. Since I’ve been home these past three days all my Mom has done is act anxious and stressed and cry, and my Dad’s had to deal with it. I’m just a part of the furniture, and they don’t even talk to me much because they are so wrapped up in all the stress with the rest of my family and my Mom’s own health, which is understandable. I just feel awful because I feel like I caused it. I have to lay here on my bed in the dark, listening to my parents arguing and crying in their room across the hall.
I get texts from people, and messages from you guys on here, but I just feel so alone. I went to a funeral yesterday for someone who was big in the community. People there were laughing and smiling, and the ceremony lasted only 30 minutes. I know if I killed myself, I’d only have a few people show up, and those people would get over me in no time.
“It gets better” is such a lie. Some things will never get better. Yes some things change over time, but some things never leave you, and since I’ve been home, and I’ve felt so alone, I’m just consumed with the thoughts and memories of things in my past and they won’t leave me alone. Messages help, but nobody is physically here with me. I just keep playing things over in my mind, saying what if. All I have is pain.
Tonight I felt unwanted, like nobody in this world really needs me.I can’t be there for the people I love, and I can’t save anyone. I’m useless, a mistake, and pathetic. It’s the truth. I’m not needed, and I’m not wanted…I never have been.
It’s like I’m a puzzle with one missing piece. Someone stole that piece from me somewhere along the way and now nothing works right without it. I can cover up the hole so everything looks alright, when really everything is wrong. All I am is a mess without it.
I just woke up from this dream at 5am and I need to right it down because it was one of the most wonderful yet terrible one’s I’ve ever had. I dreamed I met a boy who’s name was Kale, he had straight black hair, was really pale and skinny, and he lived a few floors above me. He left me a note to come and visit him in his room so I did. He invited me in, and he left for a bit, so I just looked around his room and I discovered a suicide note, and bloody razor blades he had just used to cut himself. I remember feeling so sad for him.
So when he came back in I immediately rushed up to him and I hugged him as tight as I could and I remember he hugged me back and he started crying cause he knew I had found his stuff. But we just kept hugging, and what was amazing in this dream was I could smell him, and I could feel him breathing and crying in my arms, and I could feel his arms around my body. It was the most perfect feeling in the world to be wanted and to be held and to know I was there for someone.
Then I remember we sat on his bed and we talked for what seemed like hours about all his problems and I told him about mine and we could relate to each other so easily, we just kept talking, and I made him smile, he was so perfect and cute when he smiled. We ended up just laying on his bed through the night and cuddling and I remember we kissed and it was amazing, and we just smiled.
Then in the morning I woke up on his bed and he was gone, and he left me a note saying he had to leave. And I just remember running asking everyone I met if they had seen him, and desperately trying to find him. Then after a while I could here him and he was calling my name and he was crying and he sounded so sad but I just couldn’t find him.
I woke up just now crying half hoping I would wake up to see him asleep against me, and I can still remember his smell in my head right now, and remember his smile so perfectly, but I know that’s not possible because he doesn’t exist.
I swear that one day, whoever I marry I will give everything I have to them and never let them go ever. I’ll take my vows seriously. To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. I swear on my life I will never break them. And to my soul mate wherever you are, I will find you someday, and I’m sorry I can’t be there for you right now. I’m sorry Kale. I’m sorry I’m messed up.